Being Useful, Being Desperate.

Working being is useful, whether he or she is getting paid or not.

In modern world its sane to get paid for work so one is independent financially, can sustain himself or herself.

i am getting desperate. mind states make it difficult to find and keep work, i think these insane voices in my head come from buddhism & not only - as many prefer that i work without payment on my science & technology, instead of earning money as a computer scientist.

if i won't find work, soon i'll be in serious financial troubles.

i feel abused, feel that others take advantage of my goodwill, altruism, non-materialism & related ideas - far too much.

i have insane voices in head that church wants to convert me by force, against my will. today i felt energy in knees, and urge to kneel before god. i freaked, said '666' and other rude words, then considered buying a black magick book.

i've ordered a book about luciferian magic, perhaps this will help me find work & keep it.

i wish to continue working on my science, technology, arts and other projects still, even after i find work - just less.





Since a while i have insights that church wants to convert me by force - first by praying for my financial crisis, then by stealing my apartment, then by finding me work under them and then 'save my life' by marrying me with one of their fat women, argumenting that they are better because they went to church earlier and more often.

in my mind insights appear that some of worse jerks in buddhism also wish to steal my apartment, some wish to 'steal' a woman i love as well, some wish to kill me as well. i offered my apartment to HH Buddha Karmapa 17th Trinley Thaye Dorje, so more unenlightened parts of sangha wish to kill me so Buddha can claim. i do not think that Buddha wishes that. i think Buddhas protect me from worse parts of sangha, also by making me write about this openly.

i do not wish to marry fat woman, i prefer to die.

i do not wish to change a love partner, i do not believe in changing love partners or fleeting romances.

i prefer to keep fighting for true love with a buddhist woman i meditated with in a buddhist center, even after reincarnation(s).

... for a love to succeed, conditions for it must hold - i need to improve my looks & be financially independent, working person - among other things.

i prefer to die than to return to church after what i suffered under them in youth.

My conscience & experience tell me to help altruistic evli more than hypocritical, egoistic 'good'.

Unworthy of Sangha.

After some time of meditation, i was removed for sangha, and given reason that if i stayed, it would harm me.

i left, but because of mental states tried to return few times.

i suspected i would be cast away again, and i was - thankfully.

it was quite humilitating experience to feel called to come, then to be sent away.

Now i feel unworthy of most of Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha, but there are those who support me anyway, i feel.

After being sent away, i felt support of many, in mind, and abuses from many, in mind.

These abuses ruin my life, so i feel unworthy to meditate, to listen to their wisdom, to support with payments.

Effort would kill me, ruin my chances for love in this life, destroy me financially and mentally.

i am unworthy, because i can't give too much anymore - because of my bad karma.

if i died because of too much of compassion and altruism, i would be even more unworthy.

So i stay away from meditation centers, while accepting a certain buddhist lessons transmitted via the internet, but not all of lessons, and not from all of teachers.

i try to serve all of Buddhas, no matter School, Lineage or Sangha, while following my own loner's way, for now.

i do not know when i'll be worthy to meditate again, without support i won't be.

We meditate to be beneficial afterall, and i have too much of chores already, too much of troubles, bad karma to transform, too much of obligations i can't neglect.

Arrogant Buddhist's Honest Words about Religions, about the Noble & Powerful Way of Service, and about the need for Peace.

The Quote.

'ALL WORLD RELIGIONS SEEK TO ADVANCE WORLD PEACE

The principles I have mentioned are in accordance with the ethical teachings of all world religions.

I maintain that Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Sikhism, Taoism, and Zoroastrianism all hold up love as an ideal, seek to benefit humanity through spiritual practice, and strive to make their followers better people.

All religions teach moral precepts for the advancement of mind, body, speech, and action: do not lie or steal or take others' lives, and so on.

Unselfishness is the common foundation laid down by all great spiritual teachers.

(...)

Of course, there's is no end of argument when religion differences arise from dogma and cultural diversity.

However, it is much better to implement in daily life the goodness taught by all religions than to argue about minor differences in approach.

(...)

All the different religions of the world are needed to enrich human experience and world civilization.

Our human minds, with all their variety, need different approaches to peace and happiness.

It is just like varieties of food.

Certain people find Christianity more appealing, others prefer Buddhism because it does not advocate a creator - everything depends upon your own actions.

We could make similar cases for other religions as well.

The point is clear: humanity needs all the world's religions to suit varied ways of life, diverse spiritual needs, and inherited national traditions.

(...)'

--. Quoted parts of 'How to See Yourself As You Really Are' book by HH The Dalai Lama.





Blog author's honest comment.

Since youth i didn't accept 'the creator god' idea, i felt too arrogant & independent to serve such totality.

To a large degree, i didn't behave as my parents wished. Respecting parents, elders & traditions has the lot to do with faiths & religions, not only because of one of ten commandments.

i chose Buddhism so i could be someone better, to challenge the gods - especially the 'only true god' idea.

Now i am Wiser and more Tolerant, but still quite Ungodly.

i serve many gods, including YHVH, mostly because:
* i feel that Buddhism requires me to do this for Peace,
* by common sense & spiritual challenge rules - that by serving one gains advantage, that way i can challenge & understand the gods.
* to criticize, to attempt to change gods for better - for benefit of everyone, including gods.


Serving others with such purpose is not so bad as it seems - if they repay by serving us, i can also serve - and friendship increases mutual ways.

But when one side abuses, those who have advantage can use it to make offender suffer for that transgression.

Life of a service is the Noble, and Powerful Way, i think.

Religions of Faith have Great Respect for traditions, as well as feel need for protection of greater beings. They are not without virtues.

i think buddhism attract many of ungodly, arrogant, yet spirited and independent individuals, often quite idealistic free thinkers, as well. Bud there are a lot of selfish jerks as well, i feel.

i agree with HH Buddha Dalai Lama's words that all religions are needed.

i think that if Allah died, many people would still feel need for similar 'replacement' and would create another similar God, perhaps younger, more angry, perhaps more violent. i think revenges & wars would start en-masse, and catastrophes would follow. i think there would be high chance that humanity would not survive this.

i advise everyone - also buddhists - to respect other religions, both of experience and faith, both inner and external, both minor and major.

Let's seek what brings us together, instead of what we disagree about, instead of what separates us.

Truth, Does it Bring Together?

Truth is what brings together, instead of separating.

Word 'Religion' comes from latin 'Religare' meaning 'Reunion'.

... but it's said that religions are main cause of many wars.

Greatest spiritual leadeers inspire for Peace & Love, yet their followers are too often intolerant, materialistic, fanatical and stupid.

There are people who are afraid of word 'Truth' - fearing that someone's 'Truth' will oppose their own 'Truth', that someone's 'Way' will challenge their 'Way'.

People react emotionally to religious ideas, and while Peace & Love should be in center - minor details are causes of conflicts.

Too often people wish to steal resources from other Religions or Views for themselves & their friends - thinking it's noble, thinking it's beneficial from their Religion or View's perspective.

But such approach causes hatred & conflicts, it's far from beneficial, i think.


i am changing Buddhist Schools because i think too many beings in Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha are irresponsible sectarian worshippers - and this endangers my love & life.

i do trust Lama Ole Nydahl still, i wish to learn from Lama Ole Nydahl's still, as well as from all of Buddhas, no matter of which School.

i wish to learn more about Non-Sectarian Rimé movement.

i offered gifts for Lama Ole Nydahl & HH Buddha Karmapa 17th Trinley Thaye Dorje - as well as for others. i do not wish to change mind in this matter.

i think too many call Lama Ole Nydahl a scam-artist, too many are violent - not only in Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha.

i wish to find a Way that brings together Buddhism's Schools & Sanghas, as well as other Spiritual Views / Wicca & the Golden Dawn, for example / closer.


i wish to investigate relations between Interdependence, Equanimity, Responsibility, and Kinship, the Truth.

i wish to investigate how lack in Equanimity & other beneficial inner values is related with ignorance, with hatred & lust, with competition for resources and with abusing other beings. i wish to investigate why many in Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha are Fanatical Anti-Islamists, at least at first glance, as well.

i wish to offer HH Buddha Dalai Lama this pursuit of Kinship, Responsibility & Truth as my most important Buddhist Practice for his School, for other Schools as well.

i won't hesistate to criticize, if i feel it's needed, even if it's not politically correct. When i'll be in doubt, i'll try to state that, as well. i'll welcome critic & consequences as well.


We'll see how this will develop.

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-=- HH Buddha Dalai Lama's book about Religions & Kinship. -=-

-=- Click image to enlarge, if You wish. -=-

Karma Kagyu Calendar: Green Tara & Medicine Buddha Day.

Results of Improper Meditation.

.. my MtGO cards decks went through many upgrades, and this is seriously expensive game.

... insights tell me that a lot of reckless expenses like buying these cards and more - are caused by improper meditation in too greedy sangha.

... i have mental obstacles with paying fees as apartment, debts etc, as well.

... this might lead me to serious troubles in future, near or far.


i meditated with compassion & open heart, with other people in Sangha.

i suspect too many, but not everyone, had greedy & ignorant wishes, meditated improperly with me.

i suspect that my subtle interaction affected my mind deeply, their wishes fell into my subconscious mind, and surface now - putting me into troubles.


These insights point to a too sectarian woman who accelerated my insanity by abusing occult teachings on me, as onw of many causes,

... perhaps strongest cause of my insanity & other troubles.

My insanity resulted from 'a miracle' performed on me, 'to display' - i felt paralysis heat & cold in turns as they talked about refrigerators, ovens, microwaves etc.

it was a lesson not without benefits, i think - but it has many drawbacks that ruin my life in past and now.


... if/when my situation will improve, i'll assess if this lesson is beneficial. for now it's too many troubles with a question mark - i don't know if i'll benefit or be destroyed.


... mtgo cards can be sold for money, but it's still a lot of money loss.

... i was forced by my thoughts to do this in past as well, then to spend recklessly on expensive pizza & computer game.

... then i was forced by thoughts to buy these cards again, more epensively.

... i feel tarnished & abused, not only financially.

... i think Sangha should be more considerate with their wishes & meditations.

Consequences of Abuses.

... i try to be gentle, to not create desperates.

... desperate people are worst enemies - after a while.

i suffered under Catholic Church, as well as under Sectarian Worshippers in Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha.

Whole groups are diverse, there are good and bad people in, both shining examples & disgraces.

... mistreatment and abuse caused my insanity, suicidal thoughts & suicide attempts.

... i suffer from manipulative thoughts, as these sectarians appear in my mind, manipulating, putting in troubles - not only financial.

... in my mind they try to 'convey Dalai Lama's lessons' for me - or rather they manipulate these lessons so they benefit more at my cost, and at cost of others.

... i prefer unmodified Truth, not their interpretations.

... i tried to be gentle, but because of my mental illness i have troubles in surviving and finding love.

... i am forced to hate, despite my goodwill and reason.

... i will criticize mercilessly, perhaps they will change, perhaps they won't harm others the same way.

... that are consequences of abuse, of creating desperates.

... i wish to improve later, to develop compassion & love when i can - but for now, i am not ready.

Need for Love, Need for Peace.

... judging from my insights, Sangha is too obsessed with power, money & sex, too angry too.

... i suffer because of that.

... i think we need more meditation on breath, compassion & love.

Abusive Conversion Attempts (in Mind).

i was born in a Catholic family.

i was baptised despite my will, at young age when i had no opportunity to protest.

when i was young, i felt abused, slandered and beaten by other kids - mostly of Catholic families.

i started to train Martial Arts, my self-esteem, calmness & self-confidence improved - to the point that i could find & stay at work for about 4-5 years.

This Martial Arts School (BKKK) is led by a Catholic Teacher Mariusz Mazur, yes Catholic Church has the very good examples too - but too many demand from others better behaviour than they are.

Since a while i have voices in mind, telling me to convert, to return to Church so i can serve under them and go to Heaven, despite my will.

There are many excuses and arguments, but conclusions are that i should earn money for Church and Convert, look worse than them, be treated as worse, suffer and after my death serve under them in Heaven as a reward. i'd be considered worse, because they go to Church since long, and i do it much less.

i think causes are egoism, pride, ignorance, laziness, envy and greed.

i think compareable offer would be for Catholics to serve under Buddhas as slaves, suffer and go to Heaven for that.

i do not support, i feel Religions need that Critic, not only Catholic Religion.

Just because someone attends to Church regularly does not mean he or she is better than others.

i think Atheists have it worst, as too many conspire and use Sectarian Abuse Methods against weak or separated.

i think Buddhism also is abusive too often, not only Religions that serve gods have faults.

Sectarian Practices.

'Sects are movements of religious protest'.

'Truth is what brings together instead of separating'.

Sects are lies, and separation.

Abuses lead to conflicts, conflicts lead to separation.

Ignorance is cause of desire and hatred, these are causes of competition for resources, of greed & malice.

To understand why Ignorance is cause of desire & hatred, consult 'How to See Yourself As You Really Are' book by Dalai Lama. Perhaps some effort, practice, and meditation is also required in many cases, but i think many can understand it even without these means. i recommend newer edition - with chapters about Love.

Sects crave everything that precious and beautiful from their 'lesser followers', and hate these people. So they wish to make them work for their luxuries & joy, enslaving, threatening with torment and death.

Buddhist Sects seek wisdom, but not compassion - seek wisdom that gives them advantage over others.

Buddhism has sects, but not only sects, i think.

Wisdom without compassion is incomplete, unenlightening.

'Sects are voluntary bodies. The votary must choose the sect, but choice is mutual - the sect receives or rejects the man. Membership is by some test of merit; the individual must be worthy of membership. Tests of merit for admission to a sect might generally be held to imply criteria for continued membership.'

Sects often cast out their members, and make sure these members are contained, controlled, still working for them.

i think selling people to other Schools or Views for money or other values is sectarian practice. Too many recruit to gain a slave, telling others should fight for these members to stay. But sects are too greedy, and do not have compassion for their members. They prefer to sell people instead of working, instead of spiritual growth & patience.

-- from 'Religious Sects' book by Bryan Wilson, as well as from my experiences.

Changing Schools, perhaps for a while.

i am on anti-sectarian, non-sectarian Way in Buddhism.

... i still follow Hannah Nydahl's Lesson to take Refuge in Lessons, not in Teachers.

i feel raped by Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha & others, as well.

Perhaps Dalai Lama's School will help me, however.

if i meet a Buddhist woman i Love in Dalai Lama's school, i can accept that.

i prefer to stay in Karma Kagyu of Trinley Thaye Dorje, but not at all cost.

... so far i have no other choice than to seek Dalai Lama's Lessons.


There are good teachers in Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha, including Lama Ole Nydahl, Rafał Olech & HH Buddha Karmapa 17th Trinley Thaye Dorje, i think.

But many of their worshippers are too sectarian, i think.

i think i am too much of a worshipper as well, but i wish to improve - to be a worthy partner for all Buddhas - but not at all cost.

Buddhas seek worthy partners, not worshippers afterall.


i liked this song when i entered anti-sectarian way years ago.

Now i have insights that it will be used against me, after i join Gelug school - if i am let in.

... yes, i had thoughts in mind since long time that Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha will abuse me then send to Gelug so i receive Lessons.

Had insight that they wish me to return to Karma Kagyu later, but i am uncertain if they will care enough to fight for that afterall.

... if i return, i'll criticize Gelug as well, so Gelug School & Lineage can improve too.

Awakening Buddhist Compassion in Evil.

... not only in this group.