Being Useful, Being Desperate.

Working being is useful, whether he or she is getting paid or not.

In modern world its sane to get paid for work so one is independent financially, can sustain himself or herself.

i am getting desperate. mind states make it difficult to find and keep work, i think these insane voices in my head come from buddhism & not only - as many prefer that i work without payment on my science & technology, instead of earning money as a computer scientist.

if i won't find work, soon i'll be in serious financial troubles.

i feel abused, feel that others take advantage of my goodwill, altruism, non-materialism & related ideas - far too much.

i have insane voices in head that church wants to convert me by force, against my will. today i felt energy in knees, and urge to kneel before god. i freaked, said '666' and other rude words, then considered buying a black magick book.

i've ordered a book about luciferian magic, perhaps this will help me find work & keep it.

i wish to continue working on my science, technology, arts and other projects still, even after i find work - just less.





Since a while i have insights that church wants to convert me by force - first by praying for my financial crisis, then by stealing my apartment, then by finding me work under them and then 'save my life' by marrying me with one of their fat women, argumenting that they are better because they went to church earlier and more often.

in my mind insights appear that some of worse jerks in buddhism also wish to steal my apartment, some wish to 'steal' a woman i love as well, some wish to kill me as well. i offered my apartment to HH Buddha Karmapa 17th Trinley Thaye Dorje, so more unenlightened parts of sangha wish to kill me so Buddha can claim. i do not think that Buddha wishes that. i think Buddhas protect me from worse parts of sangha, also by making me write about this openly.

i do not wish to marry fat woman, i prefer to die.

i do not wish to change a love partner, i do not believe in changing love partners or fleeting romances.

i prefer to keep fighting for true love with a buddhist woman i meditated with in a buddhist center, even after reincarnation(s).

... for a love to succeed, conditions for it must hold - i need to improve my looks & be financially independent, working person - among other things.

i prefer to die than to return to church after what i suffered under them in youth.

My conscience & experience tell me to help altruistic evli more than hypocritical, egoistic 'good'.