Since years i have insane mental states.
When i am alone at my apartment, thoughts & feelings flood me often and for long, i experience a lot of 'insane rides'.
In this state i can't do anything useful, i can only lie on bed, and suffer.
When i have something important to do, when i leave my apartment - these states lessen or pass.
Even when i don't suffer this 'insanity flood', i can't resist some insane urges like not looking for cars when passing street, or having to buy something to eat that i don't need.
Had insights, thoughts occured in mind.
Had insights that i am in 'Mental States Pyramid', close to lowest base.
When 'better' buddhist or other beings experience something - be it parachute falling, sex, or hitting with head at wall - i lessen their burden or make their experiences more of a pure bliss by experiencing, integrating thoughts & feelings for them.
That way these beings can experience great bliss, as the worse parts of the experiences are passed down in a pyramid.
Had insights that as i progress, i'll advance in this pyramid, achieving better mind states - my mental illness will be defeated, even if diagnosis will remain.
Had insights that i help to purify feelings & thoughts, that i earn better karma & merit that way.
i reached my limit of pain, i suspect, so thoughts appeared in mind that someone 'better' wishes to increase her 'reserves of insane people' to serve under her.
i need my states to improve soon, or i won't be able to work & earn money, i won't sustain myself.
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