Unworthy of Sangha.

After some time of meditation, i was removed for sangha, and given reason that if i stayed, it would harm me.

i left, but because of mental states tried to return few times.

i suspected i would be cast away again, and i was - thankfully.

it was quite humilitating experience to feel called to come, then to be sent away.

Now i feel unworthy of most of Lama Ole Nydahl's Sangha, but there are those who support me anyway, i feel.

After being sent away, i felt support of many, in mind, and abuses from many, in mind.

These abuses ruin my life, so i feel unworthy to meditate, to listen to their wisdom, to support with payments.

Effort would kill me, ruin my chances for love in this life, destroy me financially and mentally.

i am unworthy, because i can't give too much anymore - because of my bad karma.

if i died because of too much of compassion and altruism, i would be even more unworthy.

So i stay away from meditation centers, while accepting a certain buddhist lessons transmitted via the internet, but not all of lessons, and not from all of teachers.

i try to serve all of Buddhas, no matter School, Lineage or Sangha, while following my own loner's way, for now.

i do not know when i'll be worthy to meditate again, without support i won't be.

We meditate to be beneficial afterall, and i have too much of chores already, too much of troubles, bad karma to transform, too much of obligations i can't neglect.